I’ve reached that point in the semester. There are three weeks of class left and I’m running low on ideas, drive, and patience. I’ve been balancing a full-time job and part-time teaching for a couple of months now, and the steady stream of work and responsibility is now threatening to sweep me under. In the beginning, I knew it would be difficult, but my ambition soothed my anxious thoughts, whispering sweet nothings to me like,”You can handle anything.” and “You’re so lucky to get to do what you love.” In the middle of night, surrounded by papers, darkness and silence, those sweet whispers became pious battle cries.
But honestly, how much longer can this continue?
I’ve consistently lived a life full of obligations and activities. In undergrad, I went to class, edited the student newspaper, interned at a local business, was a teaching assistant, hung out with friends, visited my family often and dated a few boys. But a life full of activity and one full of work is not the same. Back in college, I was overachieving and pushing myself hard in hopes that one day in the near future, I wouldn’t have to do so much hustling. I was doing all that stuff so that one day I could feel like I’ve “made it.” I’m still hustling, so I suppose I haven’t “made it” yet.
So when can I stop “hustling” and “handling” my life?
I’ve already been asked if I plan to teach in the fall. My honest answer isn’t an answer at all. It is a glaring question mark. I don’t know. I don’t know if I can do this again. If I want to do this again. There’s a lot to think about and a lot I don’t know. I know that I don’t want to be a perpetual adjunct. Living on the outskirts of academia, working hard in a dust land until someone recognizes me and calls me up to take my place in the royal court of full-time work, pay, and benefits. I’m not going to partake in the fantasy that one day I might get a full-time job teaching college composition. I have a friend who has been waiting for years for a full-time composition job. Yes, years. Years for others to decide her fate and allow her to make a living wage doing what she loves.
I don’t want to wait to do what I love.
I love teaching, but I love other things too. Other careers that would honor my contribution right now, not when the gatekeepers eventually deem me worthy enough to contribute. I found such a place when I took a marketing job earlier this year. Sure, it pained me to drop two out of three classes for the spring semester, but I couldn’t wait to contribute to something again. I couldn’t wait to be a part of a team again. A team that I knew wanted me there, knew what I was capable of, and was willing to pay me fairly for my work. I wonder how (and if) teaching fits into this life I’m creating for myself. Does it make sense to continue to give my time, my most precious resource, away when I could be focusing on other things? Does it make sense to keep teaching when I don’t think I could get a full-time job doing it?
And what if I leave?
But if I quit what happens to this blog? I can’t writing about teaching if I don’t teach anymore. Then what happens to the relationships and community have met through this blog? Amazing people like Lee, Clay, Nicole, Alisa, Liana, Carly, Dana, James, Heather, ProfKM, and so many more. Can we still keep in contact? But then what would we talk about? What would happen to me? Would I miss teaching? I love being a part of the educational system, but will I feel fulfilled enough with just an administrative role? What would life be like for me outside the classroom? Would it just be more hustling and handling or would I have more time and sanity to make it something else? Something better? Is it time to recite my swan song, so in a few weeks I can take flight to focus solely on a new adventure and challenge? Or is it best to stay here, as there are more ducklings waiting on the other side of the pond, hoping someone will come back to teach them how to swim?
Oh, Laura! I’m glad to hear you count me as part of your community. I count you too. One of the things I love about Twitter is precisely that: I have found a community of people I interact with on a regular basis, and who like teaching as much as I do (and other things too, like shoes). If you were to step out of teaching, I promise that we will still be a community; we’ll just find other things to talk about, hehe.
I am glad you wrote this post. I have been struggling with precisely the same things. I’ve been adjuncting for almost a year now; however, unlike you, I had a fellowship that put me through five years of grad school, and a position at a writing program for a year after that. I always had benefits during my stay in Upstate NY. I always could count on a paycheck. Honestly, that can free your mind to do so many things and to excel as an educator. Now that I am adjuncting in a different school in a different state with a daughter to raise, I am under more stress than I have ever been: other than the dissertation, I worry about how to pay my bills and being able to afford healthcare. (Hint: I can’t.) I love teaching, but I can’t deal with the uncertainty of adjuncting. All of the concerns you discussed here are concerns I too have articulated. And I don’t have an answer yet. I too wonder if I want to stick around and wait for a tenure-track position that may never come, or if I can find joy in other closely related endeavors. I will tell you something though: when they asked me if I planned to teach in the fall, I said no. I’m still digesting the fact that I won’t be teaching next semester. Maybe that’s a sign.
Liana,
We’ll definitely have to find more stuff to talk about! Shoes works for me. I agree with you completely about adjuncting. I’ve decided it’s not for me. I lived that lifestyle for a semester and that was enough to make me come to the decision that I need more stability in my life than adjuncting can offer me.
I’ll miss you, but at the same time, that doesn’t mean we don’t have anything to talk about if/when you leave! I started my blog because I wasn’t teaching, and in fact the conversation started only because I wasn’t teaching. What will we talk about? Whatever we want to. We share a love of teaching, whether we are in the classroom or not. Much of what I follow on Twitter is not about teaching, it’s about education and higher education more generally. Perhaps taking a step back from teaching will allow you to explore other interests and passions which may include education and higher education. Or not. But that doesn’t mean that the conversation ends. Maybe the blog ends as it exists right now. But maybe it means that other avenues open up.
We’re not going anywhere, and if you and LMS leave the classroom, I’ll keep following, reading, tweeting, and talking. That’s what friends do.
Thanks for all your support, Lee. It’s helped me so much this semester. I mean that.
Thanks for counting me in such good company! Whatever you decide to do with this blog, I will read it.
It is such a hard time of year for us academic types. A quick stroll around the web will show it. Teachers are cranky, overworked, and under-thanked (can I do that?).
Some good advice I have read and that I know some of my colleagues have taken is to give yourself a deadline. Be realistic about how long you can commit to this lifestyle. Then, as you say, you love other things, so you will find happiness doing those things too…if you choose.
Thanks for your support, KM. I like the idea of a deadline. I know I can’t live this lifestyle forever.
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